Been a Crazy Long Time

I always make it a point not to like taken people. Especially if they're ever-clenching Cancers who will just cling hard, and exhaust me. I think this is partially because my heart [connected to my mind or visa versa] happens to be in "rebound" mode.

It really has been ages since I last blogged here. It's kind of amazing how long ago it was, not in terms of time but who I am and where I was. I'm a whole long-term relationship away from the girl I was during my last post. I was still relatively innocent then. Or naive. I was in "love" with my "first love," Roman then. Now, I've just recently let go of another huge person in my life, Idris. I didn't blog about the end of my first relationship because that merged into the beginning of a new one. I didn't need to, but in retrospect, (as always) I should have. So, so much has happened in this time.

Now I'm in break-up mode. I think I'm pretty honestly okay though. Break-ups are really, really sad, and anyone who has gone through one can attest to that. Everytime I hear about a friend's break-up after oh say a couple of long/short (depending on perspective), topsy-turvy years, I really feel my heart break for them. But hey, nothing lasts forever.

I think I feel pure sadness -- nothing more or less. It doesn't debilitate my functioning in everyday life like feelings of depression would. (Oh, I definitely have have my fair share of that within those last two relationships.) Like that old blog post I stumbled across by Andrew said, you lose more than the person, but what you put into him. Also your hopes and dreams of the time, I guess.

I'm probably one of the hopeful people in the world. I probably do miss him more than I like to admit -- hell, I do miss him, a lot. But I'm at a point where I'm just emotionally exhausted from our long, drawn-out good-bye. (Completely typical of Taurus and Cancer break-ups by the way as we get too comfortable). We've been saying good-bye since winter break, late January, and we should have been saying good-bye since August during our summer break-up. I should have went 300 miles away to college single. But the tug-of-war game ensued. It sucked, but I guess after a long, long time (almost a year) we both realized how pointless what we were doing was.

Growth is so necessary. I truly believe that right now. I chose the path of getting the hell out of my home for a reason. I didn't choose to stay with my high school sweetheart. Now I have to make do on my end of the deal. So I will because this is what I've wanted for a long time, and now I'm finally free.

I'm over you, somewhat dreamy, but very much taken, other Cancerian I just met. We can be friends. I sure would like to be. And one day I will be with Idris, too. I know it.

Also, "Defying Gravity", for the record, is my break-up song. Yes, the song from Wicked. The Idina Menzel version and the Glee version alike - particularly the Chris Colfer one. Both are Geminis and I want to be Idina very much so.

Attempt to Keep a Certain Promise!

Harry Potter : promise to tell me whenever there's something wrong. and some hint as to what it is.
Harry Potter : it's one of the most important things you can promise to me.
Harry Potter : whether we're just friends or more.
deadfishiie: =)
deadfishiie: okay, fine, i promise that i'll uphold your request.
Harry Potter : =)

deadfishiie: you know my disadvantage is my nature. it's too reserved some times...and i'm REALLY good at not saying what's bothering me
Harry Potter : oh, yeah, i've noticed that
deadfishiie: i just admitted to fariha something that was bothering me about 9 months ago
deadfishiie: so i'm afraid of what you wanted me to promise you
Harry Potter : i feel like a promise to love someone is almost meaningless if you can't tell them if there's something wrong
deadfishiie: okay, okay.
deadfishiie: gee, it's hard.
Harry Potter : it's okay. it's probably one of your biggest traits. you hide your problems
deadfishiie: yeah, yeah, bottling them up until it's a year later.
Harry Potter : if not more.

And while we're on the subject of promises and all, this'll just be reminder: one day, the two of us are going to have to get off at New Utrecht Ave. and find out what the lit-up-every-night building is and if it's really a sweatshop.

Visiting Chez Son and Circling Chez Restricted

Yesterday we went to Christian's house in Staten Island for a little so-called party. Well, of course it was a party. Roman was there! Harhar. And so was I! And Andrew, Karla, Fariha, Cahterine, Troy, and of course, Christian. He lived on a street called Leewood Loop which just sounds kind of odd. The place was really neat, spacious, and pretty. It was so different from my house, not cluttered for one thing. I really liked it, and his Dad, an internal medicine doctor, (a Taurean-- his Mom's a Piscean, and his sister, Jennifer is an Arien) was very sweet. He was genuinely welcoming.

Christian's room is LIME GREEN and has a skylight! Enough said. :)

The ferry trip was enjoyable despite it being winter. I remember back in August before I went to Estonia, after a supposed to be relaxing day at South St. Seaport with Christian, Morlene, Roman, and I, we took the ferry with Christian just to take it back. It was raining that day, and it seemed so much colder.

Overall, it was a fun day yesterday. I wish Morlene made it though. She's taken her SATs by now.

Today, I woke up at 6:40am to Roman's phone call. We were supposed to play tennis, but both felt too tired to get up. At 10:40am, I woke up and called Roman to see if he was out yet. He was supposed to pick up a used bike he found on Craigslist from someone near Prospect Park at 10:30. He asked me if I wanted to grab breakfast, since he woke up late and didn't eat anything. So I didn't either and agreed.

I told my Mom I was going to Fariha's and went out to meet him at Connecticut Muffin where he had an everything bagel with cream cheese and chives and hot chocolate, and I had a cinnamon apple muffin. Shared a bad red velvet cupcake. He wanted to try another nicer used bike on the Upper East Side and I offered company since Fariha's house was a good cover for the rest of the day. While we were walking back to return the other bike he'd bought from the other "Craigslister," he called Upper East Side seller and found out it was sold already. Change of plans, we went towards Roman's house and had lattes at Starbucks because his Dad was still home.

After that, we were on his block when we saw his Dad going from the front door to the car back and forth. That made us stop in our tracks...and then turn around and make a circle. We decided to go to 7/11 instead of his house until his Dad's car disappeared. I called his house a little while later to "ask for Roman" when really I was checking to see if he'd gone yet. (He answered the phone, "hi, what's up?") Cheetos Puffs were bought and then we hung around looking to see if the car was still there. Eventually, we wanted out of the cold and sought the shelter of a Chinese bakery. Purchased egg custard and tea with milk. They greeted me in Chinese and I answered in English. They said good-bye in Chinese too, and said to each other in Chinese, "She doesn't speak Chinese..." I don't know why I bother blogging about that because it ALWAYS happens in Chinese bakeries or restaurants. Ah well.

We made it to Roman's house, he fixed his bike seat, then my Dad called and asked me to come home for dinner at Sahara.

We fit in some "quick" being touchy time, and then we left. I got home before 5 and found out I didn't really have to come home.

I just got everyone to make a Tumblr using jedi mind tricks. I can un-publicize this blog soon after. By everyone, I mean: Karla, Troy, Christian, and Wilson. Andrew should make one too. Morlene? You too, please!

(10:12:02 PM) TroyTheTrojanMan: i dont blog lol
(10:12:14 PM) deadfishiie: you should blog, troy.
(10:12:17 PM) deadfishiie: YOU SHOULD.
(10:12:24 PM) TroyTheTrojanMan: i should blog.
(10:12:30 PM) TroyTheTrojanMan: I SHOULD
(10:13:30 PM) deadfishiie: thank you
(10:13:31 PM) deadfishiie: get one
(10:13:37 PM) deadfishiie: then link me

Commemorating Over Regreting

I woke up on the wrong side of the bed today and it was 6:40am. Roman was supposed to wake me up a lot earlier, so I called him and took the form of a grouchy dame. He never wakes up because the lazy ass has a minimum requirement of 9 hours sleep a day. After telling him, I'd go back to sleep but he had better be near Ditmas soon, I went back to sleep for a little less than 20 minutes. I woke up when he called, telling me he was already there.

Got ready, snuck out of the house before my Dad woke up for work. He's still under the illusion that Regents week doesn't signify no school.

Took the bus to F.D.R. High School by Roman's house because Ditmas Junior High School's yard was sort of full with middle schoolers. He was a real jerk and made me run 5 laps around the yard. My word, big yard. (Shush, no contradictions, please.) Eventually, I kicked his ass in tennis. :D

When we were good and not-sweaty ('cause you really can't sweat in the winter unless you decide to punish your body with the help of a fitness guru), we left and went to CVS. The goal was to get me a mouth guard because I grind my teeth, but the prices were $20 and up, and I didn't really need one that badly, anyway. We ended up purchasing shaving cream, St. Ive's Whipped Silk body lotion, and Dove body wash for me.

Roman had a package to mail internationally to Canada for an Ebay customer of his, so we went to the post office. The line was long but we watched the last episode of Gossip Girls -- well, just the end -- and listened to Love Grows (Where My Rosemary Goes) by Edison Lighthouse. It's so addictive humming the beginning of it. (You'll see.) It didn't take too long. We didn't have any breakfast except for the shared rice krispie, so we stopped at the 7/11 near his house and picked up breakfast sandwiches which came with free sodas, or "Big Gulps."

It was already 10:30 when we got home. We started watching Good Will Hunting while eating our sandwiches and some Special K. Then Roman had to shower because he stunk after tennis and additional "heavy" weight lifting. I helped. Then it was my turn.

I didn't really redress after my shower because Roman decided he wanted to give me a full body massage. I obliged.

Cutting to the chase, nothing happened. Okay, I lied. You got me!

I might have been reluctant to put on clothing...I just feel tons better -- and by 'better', I mean, comfortable -- naked. It's natural, after all. This is fun...trying to make myself sound less lascivious than I actually am. I was framed.

Lots of cuddliness and touchiness was involved post-massage. Feeling really brazen, I guess, I decided to allow an anatomy lesson to be held, in the deep south. Oh, yeah, wasn't I supposed to cut to the chase? He broke my hymen except I didn't notice until I put back on my favorite underwear and he pointed out the red splotch of blood toward the back. My period was over Sunday, so that wasn't it.

It definitely hurt, but I suppose I was expecting worse or something. The sensation was more odd than painful and since it was a new one, I don't think I was sensual enough to differentiate pain from normal. At most, it stung, to me. Most importantly (I guess), still a virgin.

Roman unclothed way later than I did, but okay, credit where credit is due. I met his male parts, which made me shriek in plain, old creeped-out-ness. Not so bad overall when squishing. It's because I'm not so much a visual creature than a sensual one.

In conclusion, I am way too cheeky. I hope I don't become a nymphomaniac...

It still hurts down there though, but more accurately, it stings a bit.

Regents-Free for Remainder of Regents Week

English regents are over with. In Session 1 the listening passage was about Kenneth E. Bohring, found of The Wheelchair Foundation. The other essay was on documents about indoor air pollutants and the health risks associated with them. Session two's first essay was supposed to be on parenting. The second of the two passages we were supposed to construct our essays based on was this poem:

Night Light

Only your plastic night light dusts its pink
on the backs and undersides of things; your mother,
head resting on the nightside of one arm,
floats a hand above your cradle
to feel the humid tendril of your breathing.
Outside, the night rocks, murmurs... Crouched
in this eggshell light, I feel my heart
slowing, opened to your tiny frame

as if your blue irises mirrored me
as if your smile breathed and warmed
and curled in your face which is only asleep.
There is space between me, I know,
and you. I hang above you like a planet--
you're a planet, too. One planet loves the other.

ANNE WINTERS

One of the multiple choice questions threw me off. It asked what the authors use of the pronoun "I" indicated the point of view of the poem be in...something like that. I put the mother, but decided on observer later, then back to mother again. That completely threw off a bit of my essay. Poems seem too vague to be tested on, but I guess so are other scriptures meaning poetical literacy is fair game. Still, I could interpret it in so many ways.

The quote for the critical lens essay following was "Greatness lies, not in being strong, but in the right using of strength..." -- Henry Ward Beecher. This was the full quotation:

Greatness lies, not in being strong, but in the right using of strength; and strength is not used rightly when it serves only to carry a man above his fellows for his own solitary glory. He is the greatest whose strength carries up the most hearts by the attraction of his own. -- Henry Ward Beecher

I used A Separate Peace by John Knowles and The Giver by Lois Lowry. I was just ecstatic getting through it because it felt like the end of critical lens essays. Guess the AP English course is finally about set in?

I feel like SUCH a dork for devoting an entire post to the English regents, which was in no way bigger in my life than any of the other. (Nothing life changing at all in all honesty.) So, I'm forced to talk about something else.

How about plans for the remainder of this school-free week?

Thursday (tomorrow)-Tennis at 7 with M. Lettuce, then his place for homework and movies.
Friday-Christian's house party for no apparent reason. Fun...SI ferry in chilling weather.
Weekend-No clue...book me? Prefer to stay at home though, so you're welcome over maybe.
Monday-Sneak out at 4, take the LIRR with M. Lettuce to go to Stony Brook for company.
Tuesday-Free, but I should go to Housing Works if I'm too free.

What can be checked off of my to do list today? Buying Mom's 47th birthday present. Everyone went to the Apple Store and I purchased a blue 8GB Ipod nano on Lettuce's credit card. Owe him about $50+ because I paid $100 already and he's chipping in for her. Well, it's not really done because there's nothing in it. She's said she should start learning to use an ipod and I told Daddy about the idea. He liked it and decided on what to get her himself (a ring).

I'm excited about tomorrow morning, naturally. Tennis is missed. I'm kind of afraid of freezing my butt off though. :(

Quacks and Possible Detriment

I'm on the phone with Mlle Menton and M. Taurus. They're talking about how nice it would be to live in the streets. Oh, the hobo life is the life for me. Yo-ho-ho, and a bottle of wine!

Today was a very eventful day. A painful day. I slept at 10pm last night, and woke up at 2:30am. I snuck out of my own home at around 3. Exhilarating feeling. I'm not quite sure I liked it. At least not right away...

Midnight escapades are so romanticized -- and with enough reason. I don't know just how many teen novels I read where the suburbanite, conservative girl meets the worldly, rebel boy who throws pebbles to her second-floor window, calling her down to take her out for the night of her life.

M. Romaine Lettuce was a dear and came on his bike to escort me, because I'm way too spooked to walk around the streets at 3 in the morning. Just my luck, I missed the only 3am bus. We noted that the weather was an ugly omen: wet, and rainy instead of snowy, eliminating the possibility of the occurrence of a snow day. The rain soaked through my shoes to my socks. A wonderful feeling, except not really. I quacked because I felt more like a duck than a girl breaking the rules.

Entering M. Lettuce's apartment at 4am, it never felt better even though we had to be quiet. Dry! Warm! We quietly crunched Special K on the living room couch to refuel from our late two mile walk. The reason we went through all this trouble was so I could complete a final project for Journalism. Two articles. He did one, and I did the other. We finally finished at around 7 and I had to go. Of course, there were lots of distractions in between. Lust and plain old not wanting to sit up tired as we were.

I got to first period Journalism the last minute of class. The day went by quick. I decided not to go to eight period U.S. History because a) Hanley picks on me and b) I just couldn't wait to get back to M. Lettuce's.

Climax of the day! I swiped my student MetroCard and the revolving door-like turnstile's indicated I had one ride left and it was safe to go. I ran into the turnstile and bumped my nose straight into it in the hardest hit I could imagine. It was so painful, the tears came out involuntarily and instantly along with the blood gushing from my nose. Thankfully, my friend from sophomore year, Edwin was right behind me. He was there to the rescue, basically. Tissues and condolences and he helped me buy another MetroCard because when I swiped the student one again, it said 'JUST USED.' I really appreciated Edwin's for all his help. It would've been so much more unfair if there wasn't a single person there...

It continued hurting and bleeding on my train ride. Right now it still hurts to the touch. I'm really terrified of my nose being damaged in any way. It's way too tender for me not to worry. The top of my teeth are tender as well. It hurts like they might fall off. I really hope all is well...my gums really should stop hurting soon...it's scares me with every ache. Darn my klutziness. :(

Another place to blog

Morlene's on the phone with me and we're talking about how noses should be penis-shaped (I think so anyway.) Now she's being silent because she hears footsteps around her house and she isn't allowed to be online or on the phone...

What I did today: woke up at 9, went back to sleep, brother woke me up at 11:15 because my Mom told him to so we can go to the doctor's for the annual check up thing, called Roman to wake him up, talked about I don't know what for half an hour, brushed my teeth, went downstairs, my Mom drove my brother, sister, and I to the doctor's office, I peed into a cup, and then I assisted Sabrina. Out of the lot, I was the only one who didn't need a shot so I got out first, then I walked Waefer to Roman's house (or at least towards that direction), and then we went back home. I gave him presents from Estonia and he gave me a three-berry pie which the kid did NOT make. The rest of my day was spent home, online, and helping my Mom in the kitchen. She's feeling under the weather today.

Uh, at 7 or so, I called Ivan for the first time in a really long time. We talked like it had only been a day or so though...

That's enough of a blog. :)