Been a Crazy Long Time

I always make it a point not to like taken people. Especially if they're ever-clenching Cancers who will just cling hard, and exhaust me. I think this is partially because my heart [connected to my mind or visa versa] happens to be in "rebound" mode.

It really has been ages since I last blogged here. It's kind of amazing how long ago it was, not in terms of time but who I am and where I was. I'm a whole long-term relationship away from the girl I was during my last post. I was still relatively innocent then. Or naive. I was in "love" with my "first love," Roman then. Now, I've just recently let go of another huge person in my life, Idris. I didn't blog about the end of my first relationship because that merged into the beginning of a new one. I didn't need to, but in retrospect, (as always) I should have. So, so much has happened in this time.

Now I'm in break-up mode. I think I'm pretty honestly okay though. Break-ups are really, really sad, and anyone who has gone through one can attest to that. Everytime I hear about a friend's break-up after oh say a couple of long/short (depending on perspective), topsy-turvy years, I really feel my heart break for them. But hey, nothing lasts forever.

I think I feel pure sadness -- nothing more or less. It doesn't debilitate my functioning in everyday life like feelings of depression would. (Oh, I definitely have have my fair share of that within those last two relationships.) Like that old blog post I stumbled across by Andrew said, you lose more than the person, but what you put into him. Also your hopes and dreams of the time, I guess.

I'm probably one of the hopeful people in the world. I probably do miss him more than I like to admit -- hell, I do miss him, a lot. But I'm at a point where I'm just emotionally exhausted from our long, drawn-out good-bye. (Completely typical of Taurus and Cancer break-ups by the way as we get too comfortable). We've been saying good-bye since winter break, late January, and we should have been saying good-bye since August during our summer break-up. I should have went 300 miles away to college single. But the tug-of-war game ensued. It sucked, but I guess after a long, long time (almost a year) we both realized how pointless what we were doing was.

Growth is so necessary. I truly believe that right now. I chose the path of getting the hell out of my home for a reason. I didn't choose to stay with my high school sweetheart. Now I have to make do on my end of the deal. So I will because this is what I've wanted for a long time, and now I'm finally free.

I'm over you, somewhat dreamy, but very much taken, other Cancerian I just met. We can be friends. I sure would like to be. And one day I will be with Idris, too. I know it.

Also, "Defying Gravity", for the record, is my break-up song. Yes, the song from Wicked. The Idina Menzel version and the Glee version alike - particularly the Chris Colfer one. Both are Geminis and I want to be Idina very much so.